People

This is borne out of an unhappy and confusing moment.

People make you sad

People also make you happy

People can vex you, manipulate you and ignore you

People can also believe you, support you and love you,

People can hurt you

People can hug you

People can make you think twice about what you say

People can see your worst and still find something worthy,

People can make you think that it’s too hard

That there are too many things wrong about you

That you are not who you want to be

That you are not who you think you are 

That you are nobody to everyone 

And somebody to someone 

That in spite of it all, it’s fun 

There are laughs

And fizzles of excitement 

And waves of contentment 

That you need someone

But prefer no one,

People can say that it’s ok

To be you

Whether it’s a tiny bit of an amazing person

Or a lot of a vulgar person,

The right people are your people 

Your person for a minute or a season

Or someone lifetime,

Your person is your world

The right person is your person 

Punny yoga

The class was taking too long. “Pull your spine towards the ceiling and feel tall like a tree.” I feel like a Christmas tree in April.

“Warrior pose. Be a fierce leader.” A liter of coffee would be delightful, thank you!

Now we are sitting down on the mat. “Imagine yourself as a boat. Breathe in as you are pushed out into the water and you float away calmly.” I can do that easily when I’m in the Dead Sea.

“Lie down and cross your ankles.” Hey left ankle, are you looking at me? Stop knocking about right ankle!

Monotony

I’m watching two robins boisterously fighting for a foothold over the birdbath and one bird gets shoved into the icy water.

I sigh. So boring.

They fly off and its empty again.

After some time the doorbell rings, startling me. I grab my biggest coat that covers everything and try to appear cool. I count to 12, open the door and wave thanks to the delivery man. Gathering up the packages, I bring them inside, arranging them by size. I smile in delight, awaiting an afternoon of opening gifts from far away warehouses, small businesses and distant lands.

The Life of Tau Bear: 13 Dec 2007 to 28 March 2021

28 March 2021 at around 8pm. Tau bear crossed over the rainbow bridge.

Tau's favorite activities were to eat and explore. And he did that with gusto, unapologetically demanding to be included in everything. Tau went on a road trip to Cape Point, Cape Town, South Africa, and munched his dinner in a car park. He ran around the sandy beaches of Cape Town but refused to venture near the water. He also made me chase him down Long Street one Sunday afternoon and thankfully eventually stopped when his path was blocked by a helpful restauranteur.

From Cape Town, Tau moved to Pietersburg, South Africa. Here, Tau was a companion, guard dog and a greedy pig, often fighting with Tipsy to get the final lick of the dinner bowl. His diet changed to pap, chicken and fish, curry leaves, coriander leaves, spinach and other food items which he gobbled down without even bothering to sniff first. He sun bathed a lot and refused to get even a little wet, so he stank of Eau de Tau. 

Tau's next move brought him to New Jersey, USA. One week after his arrival we went to Cape May, forcing Dart to get used to him in close quarters, very very quickly. Tau occupied space like he had always lived with us. He became my 'shadow from a distance' - always somewhere near me but not right by my side. He was my companion during the late nights in the kitchen. He hung around the doorway while I was in the bedroom. He would come and sleep at the foot of my bed when I slept in in the mornings. He tolerated baths from me. Tau's meals changed to fresh dog food because his teeth were pretty worn - these became his favorite! So much that he would whine to get his dinner and that whining would start at 6:30pm and over time moved to 5pm then 4pm then 3:30pm...

Adventure is in Tau's blood, so his next life journey was to Guildford, UK. This was the second part his retired life. Mornings were by my bed or upstairs in the loft while the kids learnt. Afternoons were walks in the field or exploring the bushes. Evenings were spent keeping an eye on me from the corridor or in the kitchen trying to trip me up while I cooked - he won twice. Every night when I was done downstairs, I would call him to go to bed.

Tau was my favorite snoring, farting, tag playing buddy and I was devastated when a medical emergency, risky intensive surgery and old age caught up with him. Now, I imagine him healthy and happy, running around some fields in the sun, forever and always the handsomest doggy. RIP Tau Bear. I love you very very much.

Indian Matchmaking: a masala reality show

This show has been labeled many things, so I am going to give it a new one - masala reality. This is a reality show that has been carefully planned and heavily edited to be funny and heartwarming, with a  good dose of drama and traditions.

So I really liked the show. Mainly because arranged marriage is an contentious topic and Indian society is such that everyone has very different ideas on how and what a marriage (arranged or not) should entail. And this opens into a myriad of discussion topics, which I love to jump into.

Sima and her cohort of advisors have a conservative perspective on marriage: arranged is better, marriage is between families not just the couple, the girl must adjust and be flexible and not so 'stubborn and obstinate', parent's requirements are also top priority, 'slim/trim, tall and fair' beauties are easier to match than the non photogenic prospects, and on and on..

Yes, in some ways marriage and family life is about compromise and adaptation, but your core values and beliefs should not change. A compromise should not change who you are. The show covered this in some way but they could have done a better job of making it clear.

Which brings me to my fav part of the show: the amazing, strong-minded modern women - every one of them. For all Sima's guidelines on what all the things the women needed to change about themselves, they threw that out of the window. They remained focused on what they believe is their true self: career, family and their knowledge of what makes them happy. Aparna has a high level of self-acknowledgement and was bold enough to be honest about her preferences. Ankita turned the traditional view of marriage on its head with "in marriage there are also I's", preferring to focus on her business. Nadia is currently the world's favorite bachelorette and was not embarrassed to mention her period on tv. Rupam came across as genuine and didn't let a failed relationship stop her from finding someone on her own.

Aside from Vyasar, the boys were such a let down. Vyasar is family oriented and knows how to make tea and sweep the kitchen. He comes across as funny and big hearted. Pradhyuman was boring AF. The most interesting things about him were his culinary presentations and his Instagram door handles. Akshay is an overindulged, subservient 25 year old Indian Oedipus complex that could not redeem himself despite given many opportunities.

Its interesting to note that 2 of the boys lived in India, came from well off families and they worked in the family busienss. For the show, one contributed his face and the other brought his mother's drama.

None of the characters stayed with their matches, even though the stars were aligned. This felt that young people are strong, independent, stubborn and obstinate enough to hold out for what they truly believe in, despite society and traditions telling them otherwise.

My takeaway was this show is a talking point on the importance that Indian society places on marriage and how things are changing. It's also a little sad to know that Mumbai, a progressive city in India, still has the outdated view of arranged marriage = (flexible girl + pampered boy) deadline driven parents or communities.

How not to be a racist

America has a wave of racism that is sweeping over the country. It was happening in small pockets, a small uproar that fades when there is something new to talk about. But recently, the spate of racism is brutal, vindictive and coming from a place of privilege and entitlement.

Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Christian Cooper and others in 2 weeks. All that happened is that white people thought back people should not be right where they were.

So instead of saying 'there are two sides to the story', 'I'm shocked', 'this is bad', here is a simple way to not be a racist: look beyond the skin color and see that it is just a person like you and me. If you can go for a jog one afternoon, so can another person. If I want to watch birds at 7am and I ask you to leash your dog that is disturbing the birds, someone else can do the same without a hysterical Karen call the cops with a fake story.

To not be a racist is not about pretending that skin color doesn't exist. That would end up erasing histories, countries, cultures and habits that make each person unique. To not be racist means acknowledging there is a different skin color, but also knowing that that skin color is simply a different lived experience. A different skin color shouldn't influence your actions, words and - this is even more difficult to control - your thoughts in a negative way.

You shouldn't think that because someone is black / brown / white that they are hysterical / conniving / dangerous. What you should think is 'someone is black/brown/white. So what? You are just as valued as me.'

Teach your kids that 'so what'. It doesn't matter what they look like. It's what that particular person says or does that's important.

Teach yourself to rethink your thoughts. The first thought is always the easiest to make and hardest to correct. If your first thought is judgmental and racist, think a second or third thought until you get it right.

Tell yourself that there is always something you can do to help someone who has to go through a lot more obstacles just because of something as common as a different skin color.

Teach people around you to not make assumptions based on the color of someone's skin. That a joke is not funny if it undermines someone based on the color of their skin. That assuming the worst of someone is a terrible thing to do to anyone. That narrow-mindedness is a negative trait akin to stupidity.

I firmly believe racists can overcome prejudice. They just need to stand up, pull their head out of the sand and truly see what each person in the world has to offer. And if they can't do that, the least they can do is mind their own business.

Quarantine feels

Week 6 of quarantine. Everyone around the world has been hoarding toilet paper and cooking up a storm (is there a correlation??) People posted pics of their breads and cakes; the mallus on FB shared delicious masala prawns, appam, beef fry, kozhukottas and more that made my mouth water. It also made me realize how much I missed Kerala food and the comforts of taste, familiarity and love that it brought.

I have been making more Kerala food the last weeks. Besides the standard chicken curry, I've upgraded my kanji and payar, tried making appam from scratch (a fail) and chicken ishtu. We had a portion of hangar steak and I had so many plans for it. In the end I couldn't decide between a beef fry and a beef curry so I went for a beef peralan. I have plans for a chicken biriyani and a fish peera in the near future.

The last time I craved so much Kerala food was when I was pregnant with L. Before that it was when I was pregnant with T. Both times, and now, I was away from Amma, family and the people that made me feel cared for. The people who took care of things for me. Through chaotic and multiple conversations, hours spent in the kitchen and delicious home made food. There was a reason why Amma and Mamma would turn their noses up at store bought biriyani - because they could make something much better by spending a couple of hours grinding, mixing and cooking. Now I am looking after other people, taking the time to plan the dishes, the ingredients needed, the research on the recipe, and instead of playing or watching TV, I am cooking each meal.

With all the claustrophobia that family brought, there was also that feeling of letting go and letting someone else handle it - whatever that it was. Food, hormones, getting through, whatever. In me cooking all these home-inspired meals, I am looking for that sense of comfort and care, the 'it doesn't matter; its ok' feeling.

This quarantine thing is shit. There were somedays I felt like I could barely keep my head above water, so I would selfishly look out for myself. Now, as I did when pregnant, I am embracing this malluness in an effort to recreate those feelings in my home. Mainly for me, sometimes for the kids. I finally understand this unconscious survival technique that I'm following!

PS, to anyone who doesn't know what these dishes are, Google them. The pics are really beautiful!