Define dysfunctional. How dysfunctional do you have to get before you realize that you are dysfunctional? Or part of something dysfunctional.

Things are deteriorating. Its getting baaad. The 'Houston, we have a problem' type of baaad.

Fuck I dont know.

Maybe in a week, a month or an year's time I can come back and delete this post. I can remember how awful it once was. Or realize that this was the irreversible breaking point.

Someone tell me which is more important: money or happiness. Then put yourself into my broken down shoes and tell me again.

Money?

Or happiness?

It finally hit me. Well, its actually been coming at me for a while, but yesterday on the way back it really came and bit me on the nose. The revelation is that although I have spent the last 5 years trying to create my identity, I have to create a new one.. one that fits into the mallu culture.

While at Rhodes I didnt care much what the mallus thought of me (just the family). Now I am living with mallus, surrounded by mallus, go to mallu functions and mallu church and am doing all things mallu. Not completely all things mallu (thank goodness.. I dont want to shoot myself) but mostly all things mallu.

I dont like this. I hate having to find myself after being lost for so long. I hate thinking I will have to change my tastes and opinion just to fit in with the others. I hate being stuck doing only mallus things.

Who knows, maybe I will change.. adapt.. cos I cant decide which is the lesser of two evils: being a mallu, or stuck on the outside, even with the family.

Heading off to Meropa for supper. We will see how it goes...

First steps in the Big D

My First Week at the big D is nearly over. Met new people, had fun, enjoyed the work that I did, and I am really looking forward to handling projects on my own.

There were also a couple of 'miaows' thrown in.. but nothing major. Nothing as bad as Nischy's side. It was great to sit and have lunch with Nischy every day. I think we are getting closer, but its still in the 'I need your advice' mode, not the 'lets chat about everything and anything' mode. But I like. Its a start. And God knows I need it.

Today, we discussed family issues. Again. Yes I am confused, yes I hate being a mallu, yes I am stuck being a mallu.

Life is a confusing mess at the moment and its going to take a lot of hard work to get it fixed.

Anyways, forget life. Enter the Big D.

Moving from MG was a very good move. No doubts about that. The Big D has the structure, culture and environment of my ideal company. I dont know yet if this is my settle down job, but I am going to give it a good shot.

The Big D reminds me of Rhodes in someway. I cant really put my finger on it. Maybe its the number of people here - just about enough for a big company / small university. Maybe its cos I really feel comfortable here. Maybe its cos the people are pretty kewl. Or maybe its cos I know Dom is around and I saw Falla yesterday and I know there are a dodgy mallus around here..

Oh yeah.. bring it on :)