Ammachy

My Ammachy passed away last night. Friday 18 Dec 2015 at 9:25am in India. She was surrounded by her children, who had arrived from around the world to spend time with her. Amma said that the morning she passed away she was smiling, she was happy, she acknowledged everyone around her. She passed away with prayers said around her. She is peaceful now, she is with God.

I remember Ammachy as the person who had infinite wisdom to see past the blinkers that the family wore. She understood people, relationships, marriages, births, children better than others. In her calm, elderly way, she gave her opinion on decisions in the family. Even though she was frail, she insisted on coming to Edathua to say goodbye to Appy.

When we used to live in India, I remember Ammachy as the person who made killer crab curry. Appacha brought home a parrot one evening and the next day Ammachy opened the cage for the bird to fly out. She put up with Appacha bringing home a dog. I remember Barkus and Douglas, who barked at everything and Ammachy’s constant rebuke of “po patti!” I remember making jasmine chains in the mornings and every time I asked Ammachy for a needle and thread she would caution me against putting the needle in my mouth. I remember Ammachy always telling me to be careful when I climbed the steps to the terrace. I remember plucking lemons from the tree and asking Ammachy for salt and chilli powder to put on the sliced halves. I remember Ammachy watching serials in the evenings and being enthralled by it.

Ammachy called Thea ‘Poddi Koche’ and often asked "Poddi evedah?" (where is Poddi?)

Ammachy is survived by 2 daughters, 1 son, 1 son in law, 1 daughter in law, 6 grandchildren and 5 and a half great grandchildren. Rest in peace, Ammachy. You lived a great life.

Differences between the 1st and 2nd pregnancy

1) The first pregnancy is an incredible gift. It is the joy of knowing that your body can work miracles and bring a mini me into the world. We told the parentals and sibling immediately and made the social media announcements as soon as we hit the 12 week mark. For number 2, it was still amazing joy and love for the little bunch of cells. But we waited an extra week for confirmation from the doc before telling the family. And it has been 22 weeks and counting – and we still haven’t made the social media announcement.

2) With the first pregnancy, I knew exactly how far along I was, right down to the days. I counted down the weeks and days left for D-day. I could rattle off the veggie / fruit comparison, size and weight of the bub and what it was up to in my womb. For the second one, I have to rely on a pregnancy tracker app to tell me how far along I am and the current weight. Speaking of, hold on while I check bub’s size. Oh, it’s a spaghetti squash.

3) First pregnancy had us thinking about baby names as soon as we knew the gender. We had lists of potentials that we discussed, sounded out, googled meanings about and eventually had one name on the list when T was born. FYI, for WEEKS we initially wanted to call her Naya, which means bitch in Malayalam. Thank goodness for google that we didn’t have to reveal our extreme ignorance of our mother tongue. 2^nd one – I decided on a name from the start. And we both like it. Haven’t come up with any new names yet. To be honest, haven't been doing a lot of research on names so far..

4) Clothes! First one had us shopping for onesies and jumpsuits from the start. Bought cute little tops, pants, vests, socks and everything else a newborn could wear. We had clothes in all the sizes until she would turn 6 months. The second one is getting hand me downs from her big sister. But we still need to buy the new born clothes because we donated T’s first outfits when we moved. Bub 2 must be pleased with this.

5) Baby gear! Same story as above. The planning started early and the buying went all out. All sorts of shit that I used once and then stopped. Or never used. I learnt my lesson, you big baby marketing companies! Bub 2 is getting the bare essentials and nothing else. I guess the other influencer is that we used to live in a 4 bedroom house. Now we have a 1 bedroom apartment.

6) There are a billion and one articles around the web that tells pregnant women what to eat, what not to eat, how much to eat, how to eat and which side to chew on. I followed all the guidelines strictly for the first pregnancy. With the 2^nd one, I am avoiding raw food and alcohol. Otherwise, bring on the hot dogs, deli meats, salad bars, chips, chocolates and everything else!

7) Similar to what not to eat, there are also a million articles on what to do, what not to do, how to do things etc. Can you image, there is even advice on how to sleep! First pregnancy I lay on my left side all the time, even though I had terrible heartburn. 2^nd pregnancy I have lain in all positions, including my stomach and back.

8) Gender. I had very high expectations on what order I wanted the kids' gender to be. Boy then girl. Because that is what I grew up with. When we found out T was a girl, it took me a few days to get over the disappointment. With the second bub, it took me 1 second to digest the fact that we are having another girl and then I got all excited. I was just happy to have a healthy, fully formed baby kicking around inside me.

Maybe with hindsight, I now know what to expect and what I need when baby comes. Maybe because I am constantly chasing a toddler I don't have time to spend hours planning the best outfits and baby gear. The similarity between the two pregnancies is that I cant wait to meet this little bug when the time is right. I love you both and I pray for you both to be happy and loved all your lives.

Memories

It's amazing how a memory is triggered. A trail of thoughts could lead back to the past, a smell that is bottled up and kept forever in time, a song about feelings and scenes and love and life and smiles. There are specific things for specific people in specific compartments that is the Pandora Box of my mind.

Bodyshop's White Musk belongs to CT, Old Biscuit Mill and V. Bastardising words, regular piss ups and easy friendship slot into life with AA. Right side partings, mustaches and the waiting grandfather reminds me of A. I remember that dream with I think of Close to the Edge by Solex. Stealing things is who I was. Reposte is who I was. Fallen Angel is who I connected with. JS's flute, ride it, etc start up Rhodes memories.

Many things are not here with me. But all it takes is one small reminder and the past floods and overwhelms me. Emotions in a wave that I can't explain but I want to ride them out. Some memories hurt, but they remind me I am still living.

Where is the journey taking me?

This is my way of taking the steps to move forward. To try and figure out where I am going, what I am meant to be. A way of drawing out my positives to get to my purpose.

I want to be able to look back at this post in an year's time and know that today is when I started to turn things around. So here is my plan for the future.

Healthy
Daily exercise. Through long brisk walks, running, body mechanics such as yoga or pilates, in the gym. I want a leaner, more muscular body. Strong, straight back, flatter tummy. I will eat healthy, have fewer binge snacking and chips inhaling episodes.

Life Goals
I am running my own business. I have a desk and a computer. Marketing related, writing, designing, selling a new look. It is successful enough to look after the family. And I want to achieve this on my own.

Spirituality
I need to forgive myself and everyone in my life and move on. Find a way to connect back to God. Pray more often, pray for myself as well. Give meditation a try. Spend an hour outside, just breathing in and letting go of my worries.

Relationships
Have a more understanding relationship with Amma. As in, understand immediately, not after the words have been said. Take a deep breath and count to 5 before answering. Do one thing a week that gets me meeting new people. Exchange numbers and follow up with the ones whose company I enjoyed.

Hobbies
Outdoors lifestyle. Hiking, beaches, exploring the world. Travel to Europe. Visit Paris and Venice. Learn French!


My goal for the week - explore my passions and interests. When I wake up every morning, what can I do that will involve my full efforts? A task to achieve each day.

Momsicles 402

Today something great happened. I went for a free yoga in the park. Everyone else's scheduled shifted around to accommodate my yoga session. Not me trying to fit it in in the middle of life but other things moved out of the way for this. More proactive.

I had one hour to myself. One hour stretching my body into elegant poses while squinting into the setting sun. One hour of the river breeze on my skin, my mind empty of most 'to dos', not thinking of anyone's wants. Just yogaing and listening to the instructor say things like "breathe into the back left lung", or "feel the skin on your forehead move down to your nose".

Afterwards I made a friend, I asked for an alternate freebie, I made small talk with our neighbor's dog and I felt good about myself. I was happy again. The colours were there.

Momsicles 401

New country, starting again, new city, new friends.. Wait.. What?? New friends?? Not yet. Who knew socialite me would be in the most amazing city in the world and would struggle to make friends.

Making friends now is like dating back then. You go to parties and places, catch someone's eye, make small talk and hope to click in order to move on to the next phase.

So far, I have gone to places (the park, the pier, some kiddy classes), made the small talk ("your kid is adorable", "oh thank you", "how old", "what big eyes you have grandma", etc) but I just haven't clicked with anyone. I have had the awkward as fuck second and third meetings but it's still awkward as fuck, going in awkward as fuck circles.

Maybe I shouldn't diss these awkward as fuck meetings. E.g., the first few meetings with V were sort of, kinda, maybe uncomfortable. At the beach with friends, the conversation was stilted. Next time at the cafe, silence sat there like a 3rd person. I remember walking away after that thinking this is not going to go very far. But a few weeks later I got a call for another date and the rest went into smooth history.

Maybe I should dig up some of that old spirit that's buried somewhere and find someone to try clicking with. Maybe after enough of these awkward encounters there will eventually be someone to click closer with. Maybe these days it takes a lot more effort for a beautiful friendship to blossom.