Indian Matchmaking: a masala reality show

This show has been labeled many things, so I am going to give it a new one - masala reality. This is a reality show that has been carefully planned and heavily edited to be funny and heartwarming, with a  good dose of drama and traditions.

So I really liked the show. Mainly because arranged marriage is an contentious topic and Indian society is such that everyone has very different ideas on how and what a marriage (arranged or not) should entail. And this opens into a myriad of discussion topics, which I love to jump into.

Sima and her cohort of advisors have a conservative perspective on marriage: arranged is better, marriage is between families not just the couple, the girl must adjust and be flexible and not so 'stubborn and obstinate', parent's requirements are also top priority, 'slim/trim, tall and fair' beauties are easier to match than the non photogenic prospects, and on and on..

Yes, in some ways marriage and family life is about compromise and adaptation, but your core values and beliefs should not change. A compromise should not change who you are. The show covered this in some way but they could have done a better job of making it clear.

Which brings me to my fav part of the show: the amazing, strong-minded modern women - every one of them. For all Sima's guidelines on what all the things the women needed to change about themselves, they threw that out of the window. They remained focused on what they believe is their true self: career, family and their knowledge of what makes them happy. Aparna has a high level of self-acknowledgement and was bold enough to be honest about her preferences. Ankita turned the traditional view of marriage on its head with "in marriage there are also I's", preferring to focus on her business. Nadia is currently the world's favorite bachelorette and was not embarrassed to mention her period on tv. Rupam came across as genuine and didn't let a failed relationship stop her from finding someone on her own.

Aside from Vyasar, the boys were such a let down. Vyasar is family oriented and knows how to make tea and sweep the kitchen. He comes across as funny and big hearted. Pradhyuman was boring AF. The most interesting things about him were his culinary presentations and his Instagram door handles. Akshay is an overindulged, subservient 25 year old Indian Oedipus complex that could not redeem himself despite given many opportunities.

Its interesting to note that 2 of the boys lived in India, came from well off families and they worked in the family busienss. For the show, one contributed his face and the other brought his mother's drama.

None of the characters stayed with their matches, even though the stars were aligned. This felt that young people are strong, independent, stubborn and obstinate enough to hold out for what they truly believe in, despite society and traditions telling them otherwise.

My takeaway was this show is a talking point on the importance that Indian society places on marriage and how things are changing. It's also a little sad to know that Mumbai, a progressive city in India, still has the outdated view of arranged marriage = (flexible girl + pampered boy) deadline driven parents or communities.

How not to be a racist

America has a wave of racism that is sweeping over the country. It was happening in small pockets, a small uproar that fades when there is something new to talk about. But recently, the spate of racism is brutal, vindictive and coming from a place of privilege and entitlement.

Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Christian Cooper and others in 2 weeks. All that happened is that white people thought back people should not be right where they were.

So instead of saying 'there are two sides to the story', 'I'm shocked', 'this is bad', here is a simple way to not be a racist: look beyond the skin color and see that it is just a person like you and me. If you can go for a jog one afternoon, so can another person. If I want to watch birds at 7am and I ask you to leash your dog that is disturbing the birds, someone else can do the same without a hysterical Karen call the cops with a fake story.

To not be a racist is not about pretending that skin color doesn't exist. That would end up erasing histories, countries, cultures and habits that make each person unique. To not be racist means acknowledging there is a different skin color, but also knowing that that skin color is simply a different lived experience. A different skin color shouldn't influence your actions, words and - this is even more difficult to control - your thoughts in a negative way.

You shouldn't think that because someone is black / brown / white that they are hysterical / conniving / dangerous. What you should think is 'someone is black/brown/white. So what? You are just as valued as me.'

Teach your kids that 'so what'. It doesn't matter what they look like. It's what that particular person says or does that's important.

Teach yourself to rethink your thoughts. The first thought is always the easiest to make and hardest to correct. If your first thought is judgmental and racist, think a second or third thought until you get it right.

Tell yourself that there is always something you can do to help someone who has to go through a lot more obstacles just because of something as common as a different skin color.

Teach people around you to not make assumptions based on the color of someone's skin. That a joke is not funny if it undermines someone based on the color of their skin. That assuming the worst of someone is a terrible thing to do to anyone. That narrow-mindedness is a negative trait akin to stupidity.

I firmly believe racists can overcome prejudice. They just need to stand up, pull their head out of the sand and truly see what each person in the world has to offer. And if they can't do that, the least they can do is mind their own business.

Quarantine feels

Week 6 of quarantine. Everyone around the world has been hoarding toilet paper and cooking up a storm (is there a correlation??) People posted pics of their breads and cakes; the mallus on FB shared delicious masala prawns, appam, beef fry, kozhukottas and more that made my mouth water. It also made me realize how much I missed Kerala food and the comforts of taste, familiarity and love that it brought.

I have been making more Kerala food the last weeks. Besides the standard chicken curry, I've upgraded my kanji and payar, tried making appam from scratch (a fail) and chicken ishtu. We had a portion of hangar steak and I had so many plans for it. In the end I couldn't decide between a beef fry and a beef curry so I went for a beef peralan. I have plans for a chicken biriyani and a fish peera in the near future.

The last time I craved so much Kerala food was when I was pregnant with L. Before that it was when I was pregnant with T. Both times, and now, I was away from Amma, family and the people that made me feel cared for. The people who took care of things for me. Through chaotic and multiple conversations, hours spent in the kitchen and delicious home made food. There was a reason why Amma and Mamma would turn their noses up at store bought biriyani - because they could make something much better by spending a couple of hours grinding, mixing and cooking. Now I am looking after other people, taking the time to plan the dishes, the ingredients needed, the research on the recipe, and instead of playing or watching TV, I am cooking each meal.

With all the claustrophobia that family brought, there was also that feeling of letting go and letting someone else handle it - whatever that it was. Food, hormones, getting through, whatever. In me cooking all these home-inspired meals, I am looking for that sense of comfort and care, the 'it doesn't matter; its ok' feeling.

This quarantine thing is shit. There were somedays I felt like I could barely keep my head above water, so I would selfishly look out for myself. Now, as I did when pregnant, I am embracing this malluness in an effort to recreate those feelings in my home. Mainly for me, sometimes for the kids. I finally understand this unconscious survival technique that I'm following!

PS, to anyone who doesn't know what these dishes are, Google them. The pics are really beautiful!

Maui the beautiful

Our week in Maui was an escape from the mild winter, but still a much needed escape into the warmth. This was beautiful warmth, hot sun and cool breeze without the humidity that we were so used to in Kerala, Singapore, Cairns and other Caribbean countries. This was the type of heat where you could sit outside and not feel uncomfortable and sticky.

Maui impressed me with the weather and the seafood. I had poke, tried out their version of fish tacos with pineapple slaw, indulged in grilled mahi mahi, calamari and shrimp, gobbled up some expensive but buttery soft sushi and had the fancy fried fish dish. All in all, a great eating holiday, topped off by the best Hawaiian shaved ice I have ever had. Our go to place was Ululani's (3 times in that week), and best flavor was the Haleakala: coconut ice cream under coconut and lychee flavored shaved ice, with a snow cap. Sweet, tropical, creamy, refreshing magic in a paper cup!

I loved the beaches and ticking off swimming in the Pacific Ocean on my to-do list. Getting up close with the whales and the sea turtles was unforgettable, and I hope the kids will remember some of that epic day. The black lava beach was a beautiful contrast to the blue waters and the sky, and I so wanted to bottle up some of that shiny black sand! But good juju ranks higher than a souvenir bottle of sand, so the sand stayed where it belonged.

The road to Hana was highly recommended by friends and online, for the iconic windy drive, scenic ocean views, many hiking opportunities and beautiful waterfalls. This drive did not meet the 'scenic views' expectations. Maybe for the hikes and dipping into waterfalls, which we didn't do because of the kids. No, for drives that test your dexterity behind the wheel, coupled with gorgeous ocean views for the passengers and windy roads to push motion sickness limits, go along Chapman's Peak or the 12 Apostles road.

My favorite part about Maui was how well-ingrained the indigenous culture was among the touristy westerners. The hotels were all about sustainable living while teaching words in Hawaiian. Tourism focused on saving the whales and respecting the cultures. They gave homage to the ancient way of life and openly shared this with the tourists - in the middle of the national parks and all over the island.

The plaque was in the entryway of one of the hotels:

He ali`i ka aina, ha kauwa ke kanaka,

The Land is a Chief, Man is it's Servant