The Last Months of Freedom (TM) (C)

Anuscha is away for the week so I stayed at Nischy’s place the other night. I had the leftover biriyani for supper (the biriyani I was eyeing the previous day but was too stuffed from lunch to ask if I could have it then!), we watched tv, chatted a bit and went to sleep. As Nisch and I tried to find a comfortable spot with equal share of the blanket I thought about the past year and my life at the moment.

It has been a momentous year and half, but I think I have finally settled into lifestyle in Jbrg. But the one thing that has been bugging me is the issue at home and its current state of death. I didn’t realize how much it has affected me until that night, when for the first time in ages I felt like I was home. There was such a strong feeling of peace and calmness that I could feel the tension just slip away, unknown tension that I had built up over the weeks and months, tension that woke me up every morning in a rush of anxiety and alertness, tension that just disappeared the following morning into nothing.

So, another sub-point to add to the main reason of moving to CT.. sweet freedom!

“They forgot I grew up”

These words explain another person’s actions while throwing me into a huge confusion. I am not really clear why I am in turmoil, but let me try and explain it to u and to myself.

When I started this blog I said that I find it difficult to accept change. Not that change is bad, but because change might be worse than what I have now. In some cases, I have adapted to the change, but in other cases it feels like I was better off without the change and need another change to counteract the current change.

Make sense? Ok, lets carry on.

One of the changes that need to be addressed is my unwillingness to grow up. Why? Because I am scared of what the future might bring, because I am growing up and seeing how uncertain it is and I am clamouring to go back to 18 years, because.. because I finally have to prove that I can be responsible for myself and other people around me.

Why is this affecting me so much? Could be because I am comparing myself to other people, could be that this is something I have kept at the back of my mind for so long and now I am forced to face it (classic example of something having to come and kick me in the ass before I notice it), could be because this train of thought has brought some other issues to the surface.

Eergh.. maybe I just need more time to figure out my life. Maybe I just need to escape. So this year is either going to be the last months of insanity before I grow up, or a revelation to the grown up version of me..

*Cut! It’s a wrap! Camera off, dim the lights, roll away the fake scenery..*

What the hell is the grown up version of me??